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OF 



SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON, 



BY 



MRS. MADELEINE VINTON DAHLGREN. 



o>*:c 






WASHINGTON, D. C. 

A 

1873- 



Q 



o 



2^. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by 

Mrs. MADELEINE VINTON DAHLGREN, 

In the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



LANCASTER, PA. : 

INQUIRER PRINTING AND PUBLISHING COMPANY. 
1873. 






m. 



jq 



.-"•"¥ 



OF 



SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 



IF order is Heaven's first law, we should not regard as 
beneath careful attention, the proper recognition of rules 
which may tend to avoid confusion in social life. 

Because we are a Republic, we are not necessarily to be 
deprived of those amenities which render life agreeable, and 
assist to cultivate good feeling. 

Courtesy may be considered but as the mirror of charity, 
and, although it may often become an unmeaning semblance 
of benevolence, yet, if we assiduously cultivate, if only but the 
shadow, we may finally hope to gain the reality. Thus, by 
placmg ourselves in excellent relations towards others, we 
may eventually acquire that sentiment of good will which may 
at first have been but a mere appearance. 

That which is called good breeding is actually the golden 
rule carried into practice, and is therefore a very Christian 
accomplishment. Since egotism is the most dreaded bane of 
society, if we can learn so far to forget ourselves as to con- 
sider the just claims of others, we shall have gained a vic- 
tory over selfishness. But our intention is not to moralize, or 
present trite truisms, but to place within the scope of a 
few pages the true state of the present phase of Washington 
society life. 






/^*t<^ ETIQUETTE OI" SOCIAL LIKE IN WASIIINCTON. ^ *'-- 



There are several unsettled questions with regard to which 
we do not, of course, expect or intend to do more than to 
indicate, how it seems to us these points may be amicably 
adjusted. 

Washington society life is principally official ; or rather, 
society here is composed, in so great a degree, of official per- 
sonages, who represent the mechanism of the State, that the 
social obligations and customs have become about as complex 
as the constitutional laws upon which the official are based, 
and yet we have no constitution, or defined code, which makes 
our social laws as clear as our political. Yet this should be 
the case. 

No reader of history, however superficial his view, but 
must have noticed how constantly the gravest affairs of 
State have become complicated with the thousand seeming 
nothings of every-day life. Nor have we been at all exempt 
from such entangien-tents. On the contrary, every one at all 
familiar with the past social incidents of Washington, is per- 
fectly aware of various occasions in which animosities have 
been engendered by the omission, or the commission, of cer- 
tain requirements, exacted by some, and not so understood 
by others. It is, indeed, extraordinary, that this subject has 
not compelled a more explicit understanding, long ago, in 
view of the many embarrassments, and some of them not 
unimportant, that have already arisen from alternate neglect 
or ignorance of social observances, which, in order to avoid 
confusion, should be well understood and carefully weighed. 

Nor can ignorance of the official etiquette prevailing here, 
be construed into any want of general society training else- 
where, because we have in Washington a very exceptional 
basis. 

When the Republic was first organized, we all know that 
the venerated Washington and his stately wife, compelled a 
rigid observance of social etiquette towards the administra- 
tion in its various branches. General Jackson, when he 
became President, first broke down the barriers of careful 
respect, and received all comers without any formal or special 
rules; and the consequence was, that a disorder and rudeness 



^^^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^^^-^ 5 

characterized those receptions hitherto unknown, and which 
no private gentleman in the country would have tolerated in 
his own home. 

If our staunch republicanism renders us unwilling to 
acknowledge that the President and his wife are the " first gen- 
tleman and lady" of the land, yet we may assuredly, without 
danger to our social independence, accord them socially that 
respectful deference which the Constitution gives to the Exec- 
utive in the exercise of his granted prerogatives. Beginning 
here, we may well concede to the various Departments that 
social recognition which is in harmony with the Constitution. 

Not a winter passes but we hear the same questions asked 
over and over again, by scores of persons entering, for the 
first time, into public life, or by strangers, who come here to 
participate in our social festivities, who do not know what are 
the peculiar social requirements the official element has 
introduced. We may justly commence our remarks upon 
these peculiar exigencies, by a consideration of the position 
of the Presidential family. 

The President, as the executive head of the nation, is 
properly entitled to precedence. This first place is, of course, 
accorded to him, whenever and wherever he appears in social 
life. His social privileges entitle him to receive all calls, 
without being expected to return any. In conversation, he 
is addressed as " Mr. President." Some choose to use the 
phrase "Your Excellency," but, we believe, this is a matter of 
taste only. The present usage does not require any special 
preliminary formalities, in order to make the acquaintance of 
the President. During the session of Congress, he gives 
stated receptions, and all persons who desire do so may 
attend these levees. Upon entrance, you give your name to 
an usher, and are announced. You are, thereupon, introduced 
to the President by the Marshal of the District, or, at times, 
by some other person who may have been designated for 
such purpose, and you are immediately after presented to the 
different members of the Presidential family, who may be 
present. 

In case you are precise, you leave your card before your 



/^^^^^ ETIQUETTE OK SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINCTON. <^«j^ 



departure from the Executive Mansion. If the reception is 
held in the niorniny, the usual costume for morning recep- 
tions suffices. If in the evening, a full toilette is demanded. 
It is not respectful to appear in less than evening dress, at an 
evening reception given by the President. Even in making 
an evening call, at any time, it is more proper to make at 
least a demi-toilette. Those ladies who are fastidious, do 
not wear a bonnet in making an evening visit at the Presi- 
dent's. We have seen the wives of Foreign Ministers call in 
full evening dress. If the President have a wife, she also 
receives the first visit from every one, nor is she expected to 
return aii\-. Of course, if she desires to be especially kind, 
she is at liberty to make visits, although we believe it has 
been found a .safer rule not to make distinctions. But other 
members of the Presidential family are allowed by custom 
to return visits, and acknowledge civilities tendered. At the 
state dinners of the President the usual etiquette prev^ails, as 
at other dinner tables where official personages are enter- 
tained. 

It is not permissible to decline a dinner, or other invitation 
of a social nature, sent by the President, unless in case of 
your own illness, or of that of any member of your famil)', 
or of the death of a relative. When, however, it is impera- 
tive to send a regret, explain in your note the reasons which 
compel a non-acceptance. Indeed, it is more respectful to 
state the cause, rather than to send a merely formal regret, 
whenever an excuse of sufficient gravity may be assigned ; 
so that it may plainly appear that your absence is unavoid- 
able. This may also apply to other invitations, which you 
desire to treat with especial consideration. Any invitation 
of a social nature, extended by the President of the United 
.States, must be considered, by courtesy, as a command; and, 
therefore, it is allowable to waive all other prevfous engage- 
ments made, which may conflict with your acceptance — even 
if it happen to be a dinner. But in no other instance may an 
invitation to dine, once accepted, be revoked; and even in 
such case you should mention the nature of the obligation 
which compels you. 



M^ 



5^^>^.^ .-^^*'^- 



,.:^<^ ETKjUETTE OF foCIAL LIFt IN WASHINGTON. ^Z- 



The President is to be addressed, in writing, as " His Ex- 
cellency, the President of the United States." The various 
members of the Cabinet, respectively, as " TfreiffOTrcrrabk, the 
Secretary of State,"'^T-h^i^-HTrrn7rttbk, the Secretary of the 
Treasury," "The Hjoae-ratrlr; the Secretary of War," "The 
Itonorablc , the Secretary of the Navy," "The H o nombk , .the 
Secretary of the Interior," " The HenoTabie, the Postmaster- 
General," and "Th&Jicmaj;a.bk, the Attorney-General." The 
Vice-President, and the Chief Justice, simply as such. Do not 
abbreviate words in sending a ceremonious note. When an 
official title, as in the case of Diplomatic functionaries, is very 
long, whatever portion of the prefix you give, use the entire 
word, and then add " &c., &c.," in an under line, which is sup- 
posed to include all that is claimed. All abbreviations are in 
bad taste in formal notes, whatever may be the title, whether 
civic, military, or naval. The word "Present," written on an 
envelope, formerly much used, is now quite obsolete, except 
as confined to communications of a business nature, such as 
bills sent, and the French words "En Ville''^3.VQ superseded 
its use. Although we are decidedly opposed to the introduc- 
tion of Gallicisms, as likely to emasculate the vigorous Saxon 
of our noble language, yet in matters of polite usage we may 
well continue to imitate oMr ancestors, and introduce the 
courtly Norman phrases — they so aptly turn aside the blunt 
edge of much that is disagreeable in this busy, material life we 
lead. But we do object to that hybrid term, the ''Republican 
Court',' which we so often hear. It is senseless, and an anom- 
aly; or if it have a meaning, it is still more to be deprecated, 
as incompatible with the spirit of the framers of our excellent 
Constitution. We have no "Court circle," nor do we expect 
to remain a Republic and at the same time ape " Court" man- 
ners. We have a social, as well as a political autonomy. 
Let us preserve these with an equal- jealous care and dignity. 
Our official etiquette is not intended as a personal compli- 
ment, but addresses itself to the office borne, so that it remains 
strictly in harmony with our Republican sentiments. When 
the incumbent loses office, he becomes again simply a private 
citizen, whom the Republic has honored. This is such a very 



8 />^»t<^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^3«J/^ 

beautiful pro\i.sion of our lc<jal Constitution, that wc .should 
never lose sight of its bearing on social life and manners. 
It is the counteracting and saving element, as opposed to all 
hereditary distinction, and holds each man and woman intact 
in the exercise of those talents by which he or she may regu- 
late the individual destiny. The very words " Republican 
Court" have a fatal sound of Caesarism; and, as we have 
already remarked, words become facts — they arc the ex- 
pression of the soul's aspirations. We should prove to the 
world that Republican manners are the very acme of true 
elegance, in their unaffected simplicity. 

It has always been, and still remains a matter of discussion, 
as to whom properly belongs the second place in social pre- 
cedence, and equally accomplished persons differ on this 
point. This position is claimed for both the Chief Justice and 
the Vice President, and so many good reasons may be given 
on either side, that until a social congress can be convened to 
decide this, and some other controverted points, there can be 
no decision attained. It seems to us, however, that the 
Chief Justice exercises functions of such sacred importance, 
and of such a nature, that the second place should be given to 
him. He presides over the tribunal of ultimate appeal, he 
holds his office for life, he is placed beyond all the mutations 
incident to most other officials, however exalted. We have 
only to read the Constitution of the United States to be im- 
pressed with the immense dignity of his position. The same 
immutability characterizes the functions of the other Jus- 
tices of the Supreme Court, who hold their position for life, 
and arc placed on a higher plane, above the political excite- 
ments of the country. These gentlemen are to be respec- 
tively addressed in conversation as Mr. Chief Justice, and as 
Mr. Justice ; and it has been usual to accord them precedence 
over Cabinet Ministers and Senators — for at times they may 
exercise a controlling influence over the Executive. At least, 
we have seen this precedence given, although we can recall, 
in our earlier life, some bitter feuds on this score, between the 
wives of Court and Cabinet dignitaries, and we never yet 
remember to have heard of a feminine warrior retreating. 



/y^;<^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. f>j«-(^ 



when she once was committed to open battle. So these ladies 
may have left a legacy of contested honors, to those who 
came after them. If so, in the name of Heaven's first law, let 
us have peace. 

If, then, for we tread on shaking ground, these Justices 
walk in their silken robes so high, why not give the Chief 
Justice precedence over the Vice-President? And this we 
venture to suggest, without any derogation to the exalted 
position of the Vice-President, whose chief dignity arises from 
his being president of the U. S. Senate — for, as Vice-President 
simply, he has no cares, no especial duties, no political sig- 
nificance. His political importance is rather anticipatory 
than actual. Yet, we must say, that we would only 
rather avoid this difficulty at our own table, by being careful 
not to invite these two high dignitaries -to m eet at the same 
time. 

Succeeding the President, the Vice-President, the Chief- 
Justice, comes the Speaker of the House, who, as well as the 
Vice-President, is a possible successor to the Presidency, and 
although he may be, and generally is, a political power of the 
first importance, yet, socially, he comes in the fourth place. 
He is addressed, in conversation, as " Mr. Speaker." All 
these gentlemen we have mentioned, receive the first visit 
from all others. 

The General of the Army, and the Admiral of the Navy, 
occupy very exceptional positions. They fill stations made 
for them by a grateful country, in recognition of special ser- 
vices, and the rank they hold has been bestowed upon them 
for life. Yet, properly speaking, they leave no successors, 
except as the roll of fame shall proclaim these trumpet- 
tongued to the nation. As to the social precedence their rank 
entitles them to, inasmuch as they move, as it were, in eccen- 
tric orbits, they may be allowed the brilliant revolutions of 
luminaries which appear in the heavens, and disappear without 
interruption to the general plan — in plain words, they are 
special creations, and not an essential part of the machinery 
of the State, and leave no successors to their places. We 
believe they come after the four classes of officials we have 



lO •'V^'^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON, ^;s«/^ 

mentioned, and, we suppose, relatively to each other, accord- 
ing to the order of the creation of the Army and Navy De- 
partments by the Government. This rank, it seems to us, is 
theirs by right and not by courtesy alone, as the General 
of the Army, and the Admiral of the Navy, represent the 
two arms of the Government, through whom it must act di- 
rectly, in case of war. Some are of opinion, that these special 
creations should hold social positions of precedence subor- 
dinate to the Cabinet, and to the Senate. Regarding this, 
we would ask : To what dizzy height may the Senate, ex- 
pressing the acclaim of the nation, and vested with the con- 
firming power by the Constitution, raise those whom they 
delight to honor? Does this august body take these pa- 
triotic defenders of the Republic, from the gates of the Tem- 
ple of Janus, which these heroes have closed, invest them with 
titles as with a shining raiment, and, at the same moment 
limit their own poivcr of conferring this lustre of renown? 
Does not the very precedence, which may be thus assigned 
them — this place set apart by common consent, as in the case 
of the Chief Magistracy — present the utmost possible induce- 
ment the country may offer, to stimulate military and naval 
achievement? Nor can the Senate be less in honor, when it 
thus assists to build so high the bulwarks of the Executive 
in time of war; and it must not be overlooked, as we have 
already said, that no general rule can become established here 
— for, at the death of the incumbents, the station disappears. 
It will then anew require the Promethean spark of genius 
aiding opportunity, to revive the rank. Until such time may 
again come, the Army and Navy will once more be commanded 
by the Senior Officer of the service, and routine resuming its 
sway, the old place under the respective Departments will be 
assigned. Among officers of the Army and Nav}^ there exists 
a corresponding rank — the Lieutenant-General and the Vice- 
Admiral — the Major-General and the Rear-Admiral — the 
Brigadier-General and the Commodore — the Colonel of the 
Army relatively to the Captain of the Navy — and so on pari 
passu. Upon this rule a social precedence can alone be 
placed, whenever formal or ceremonious occasions require it. 



/^J>5;4 ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^/^-^ II 

We have now to consider the Cabinet — and here we must 
remark, thct so much confusion at once appears, as really to 
make the whole subject a discouraging one. 

As to the Cabinet, relatively to each other, the order ob- 
served is that priority in which these offices were created — 
thus: the State, the Treasury, the War, the Navy, the Gene- 
ral Post-office, the Interior, and the Department of Justice. 
The Chiefs of these Departments, form the Executive Coun- 
cil of the Administration, but at the same time they are 
actual Heads of Departments of State. These functionaries 
alike expect to receive calls, and alike claim the same privi- 
leges, and it is only upon State occasions, such as official re- 
ceptions, or formal State dinners, or other state ceremonials, 
that their order need be specially defined. Yet these situa- 
tions are of not unfrequent occurrence, and no embarrassment 
should arise when they do present themselves. 

It has been a contested point, as to who should pay the first 
visit upon each other — the Cabinet officer or the Senator — but 
there would seem to be a growing tendency to yield to the Sen- 
atorial claim. This claim is based on the argument that the 
Senator represents State sovereignty, and that the dignity is, 
consequently, superior* to that of the Cabinet officer, whose 
nomination the Senate confirms by its vote, and who is ap- 
pointed Constitutional aid and adviser of the President Yet, 
the Cabinet officer is something more than this; for, presiding 
over an entire Department of the Government, he possesses 
both power and dignity of function. As to his confirmation 
being subject to the vote of the Senate, the Senator, in turn, 
is subject to the State legislature for his appointment, and 
this line of reasoning would place a State Senator above a 
United States Senator, and the Great Unwashed above the 
State Senator. Evidently, we cannot go back to first princi- 
ples too closely in a Republic, in order to regulate our cere- 
monial. 

But we do not propose to enter the domain of Constitu- 
tional law, but simply to explain points, some established and 
others controverted, of social law, and give reasons, where 
any exist, for certain customs. 



12 /yvfr ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. 0»j«/n 

To our apprehension, leaving grave Cabinet Ministers and 
Senators to arrange questions of relative social importance, 
or rather their wives to do this for them — for it is women 
who are social agitators in the Republic — we really think that 
Senators' wives might safely yield this point to the Cabinet, 
when all the circumstances are considered ; or if this cannot 
be effected, at least let a compromise be made, that certain 
privileges are to be accorded by courtesy, still to be held in 
reserve as a rigJit. 

The ladies of the Cabinet have literally the public at their 
doors, and no one woman can possibly have health, strength 
and endurance, to enable her to meet the heavy burden im- 
posed. These ladies are few in number — their residence here is 
fixed, central and well known ; while the families of Senators 
often come here for a short period of time only, and unless they 
call in person, or send their card giving their address, the ut- 
most vigilance may not detect their momcntar\' presence. It 
is true that many Senators have permanent residences here 
also, and even live in a superior style to Cabinet officers, yet 
we now speak of the general rule. The rapidly increasing 
size of our society, really demands that there should be some 
exemption allowed by custom to the higher officers of the 
executive, with regard to the personal notice of visits. If it 
were once understood, that to return a call by a card sent, 
and afterward acknowledge the visit received (in all cases 
where the person who calls has any social claims that are 
recognized in general society), by cards of invitation to re- 
ceptions, these ladies would then be allowed some respite. To 
return a thousand visits in person, is a hardship none can 
realize except those who have attempted the task. And 
moreover it becomes an utterly senseless formality. Why 
are these calls made by society in general? They are made 
as a mark of respect for the elevated station, and also in order 
to particijiate in the receptions which these functionaries give, 
from time to time. These objects could be better met, if it 
were permissible to send cards in recognition of \isits, and 
if where personal visits were made, the exceptions sinipl\- in- 
cluded, the Supreme Court, the U. S. Senate, the Diplomatic 



/-^Sj.^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^>j«3^ I3 



Body, the General and the Admiral, while outside of these 
functionaries, an exception was allowed; and if this rule were 
once established, no invidious comments could be made. 
That which renders it so very disagreeable nozv to receive a 
card in place of a personal visit, is the knowledge that your 
call is not treated with the same respect that is paid to that 
of others ; but a general rule could not produce ill-feeling. 
We see this notably in the case of the President and his wife. 
No one feels aggrieved because his or her visit is in no man- 
ner returned by these personages. 

Again, the card receptions that Cabinet Ministers find it in- 
cumbent to give, are of necessity so large that they are un- 
pleasantly crowded for both host and guest. Why not select 
some suitable public hall for these receptions, and let each 
Cabinet Minister hold therein one, two or more card recep- 
tions, during what is called "the season." We know of no 
social experience so disagreeable, as to make one of a dense 
mass of human beings, literally packed into rooms of ordinary 
dimensions. It forms no compensation, that it is the "polite 
world," that suffocates you ! Let any one, philosophically or 
cynically disposed, gain, if he can, a few inches of space in a 
corner, and become a spectator of such scenes as occur every 
winter at our crowded receptions ; and the sheer absurdity of 
calling this aggregation, social life, becomes at once apparent. 
It is rather to be wondered at, that dreadful accidents have not 
before now recalled society to its senses in this matter. We 
have entered many a hospitable door, and looking upward 
beheld such a surging mass of human beings on the stairway, 
that, dismayed at the idea of wedging ourselves into this 
fearful crowd, we have sent our wraps back into the carriage 
from the door, rather than attempt to gain the dressing room ; 
and only venturing far enough to pay our respects to the be- 
leaguered host and hostess, have made a speed)^ exit — society, 
conversation, beauty of effect, were all lost, all rendered im- 
possible through want of space. 

And this evil will go on increasing, unless some changes 
are effected. The same controversy, as to the first visit, which 
implies precedence, has also existed as regards the Diplomatic 



14 ''^'^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^j«/\ 

body, who represent other countries near our own. We have 
known some ladies of the Senate who have refrained from 
making the first visit upon the wives of Foreign Ministers, 
assigning the same reason, that the Senators represented a 
State sovereignty, while the Minister was only an accredited 
functionary from a foreign power — it being held that the 
Ambassador or Envoy alone properly represented the 
sovereignty of a State, and this rank is not often sent to us. 
Yet the Minister Plenipotentiary and Envoy Extraordmary 
certainly has a special mission, and may be said to represent 
State sovereignty, -if not the person of the sovereign. This 
of course involves the question of relative dignit\', and 
this in turn involves a veritable treatise on international 
law, and places the whole subject beyond the patience 
of our feminine disputants. We would make the womanly 
appeal in behalf of the foreigner, o/ courtesy to the strmiger. 
Based upon this sentiment, which should dominate us in their 
case, we would grant a Foreign Minister precedence, wherever 
it can at all be given. This precedence relatively to each other, 
rank being equal, is accorded to priority of residence among 
us. The Dean or Z^^jr;/ enters upon his functions in virtue of 
length of stay near our government. Yet we have Avitnessed 
very grave offense given at a dinner table, where the host led 
in the wife of a Foreign Minister, the fair belligerent being the 
wife of a Senator who claimed the honor as her due. 

Now, since it is to be presumed that the special object of 
every entertainment is, to promote good-will and not to foster 
ill-will, it is to be regretted that no definite rule as regards 
social official classification prevails. A carefully adjusted 
ceremonial would be no more incompatible with Republican 
institutions than the legal classification which now exists, and 
which must continue to endure. These have a fixedness co- 
existent with the Republic, and our social life is their comple- 
ment. Let us not undervalue its importance. Daniel Webster 
called a well-appointed dinner "the climax of civilization." 
We ought to be able to reach this clima.x smoothl)-. The 
morning call, the breakfast, the luncheon, the " mat'uiec dan- 
sante," the inusicale, the soiree conversational, and the assem- 



/Nj>!;^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON, ^/^^/v 



15 



bly, are all and each charming in their degree as adjuncts 
of social life ; yet, the dinner is '' tlic climax^ 

Now, there are some dinner rules which are absolute, 
although we fear at times they are either misunderstood, or 
at all events disregarded. It seems needless to recapitulate, 
and yet the very fact that mistakes are so often made, must 
serve as our apology here. For instance, an invitation to dine 
must be precise, and should be couched in some such formula 
as the following : 



M^.JONES 

REQUESTS THE HONOR OF 

MR. SMITH'S 

COMPANY AT DINNER, 

On Monday, the \st December, at 7 o'clock. 



^ 



Nov. 22, '73- 



R. S. V. R 



When such an invitation is received, an answer should not 
only be given in writing, but it should be sent at the very 
earliest moment at all practicable. 

We knew a diplomat here, renowned for courtly manners, 
and for the incomparable dinners which he gave, whose answer 
to a dinner invitation came on one occasion so promptly, that 
our own messenger, who also returned to us quickly, had not 
reached the house, when the acceptance arrived. And the 
fine point on this piece of good manners was, that this was an 
acceptance, too — not a regret, which is considered to demand 
greater expedition, even, in the sending. This gentleman 
entertained his friends so constantly at dinner, that he under- 
stood the importance of prompt attention. In writing an 
answer to a formal dinner invitation, we should be careful to 
make it as exact as the note we have received. Indeed, we 
should repeat this note. Our host has a title — for instance. 



i6 



«y»^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAI, LIFE IN WASHINC.TOS. ^^^ 



The President — repeat his title just as he himself may indi- 
cate to you. In answer to Mr. Jones, you reply : 



MR!, SMITH 

HAS THE HONOR TO ACCEPT 

MR. JONES' 

POLITE INVITATION TO DINNER, 

For Monday, the \st December, at y d clock. 
Nov. 22, '73. 



The reason for this repetition is to show that you have 
perfectly comprehended the invitation, so that no error may 
have been committed, as to time or place. We have known 
awkward mistakes to occur from want of attention in this 
matter. 

Then, again, there should be no possibility of mistake as 
to your acceptance, or non-acceptance. Let your answer be 
positively, "Yes," or "No." At any other entertainment we 
may perhaps avail ourselves of a reasonable uncertainty, but 
not so with the dinner. 

We once knew a poor little lady, " on hospitable thoughts 
intent," who went to live in a small town in the west. She had 
been accustomed to the well-regulated dinner at home, and 
had been taught to consider that the highest form of com- 
pliment, was to ask a friend to dinner. Wishing to be on the 
best terms with her new neighbors, she sent out the usual 
written cards of invitation to a score of guests — a formidable 
undertaking in a country village — but she was nothing daunt- 
ed, and all the preparations went on bravel)'. Nothing was 
wanting to make her dinner a success, but the dreadful fact 
that, up to the very last moment, she remained uncertain as to 
the number of her guests. In reply to her written invitations, 



'^5S;<^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^/^^ I7 



came a score of verbal messages, such as "They hoped to 
come;" "Would come if they could;" "Could not teW exact/y 
if their engagements would permit;" "If well enough would 
come." But in no one case was a positive response received. 
So the banquet had to be prepared on this score. The hour 
came and passed, and after a famishing delay, which spoiled 
everything — two tardy guests dropped straggling in — and four 
rueful people sat down to a superb dinner prepared for twenty 
covers. This actually took place. 

This grand collapse is just what may be expected, where no 
one knows his own intentions, and society would receive its 
final doom did such conditions widely exist. Yet, very dis- 
agreeable complications have arisen, even in Washington, from 
not paying due attention to the importance of a definite answer. 
Suppose, for example, there ^r& fourteen covers at your dinner — 
and fourteen forms a pleasant and a favorite number, suiting 
very well the size of the home dining-room ordinarily. Let 
fourteen be all counted, and suppose one guest disappoints! 
He leaves thirteen miserable souls, to tell ghost stories, and 
wonder if the dinner will poison them ; which very likely it may 
do, since they were all so "blue" in the discussing of it. It 
must be remembered that the guests at a dinner table, must 
be properly placed in advance, each plate marked with the 
name of the expected guest written on a card, or on the 
menu, or bill of flire, and the dinner chart mapped out, as if 
by line and compass, so as to avoid all these sunken rocks 
and breakers we have been considering, so as to place people 
who will like each other in proximity, so as to give " honor 
where honor is due," so as to keep husband and wife from 
treading on each other's toes, so as to please those you enter- 
tain, by giving widows and marriageable young ladies desirable 
''partis" to captivate, so as to put the old decanter of old 
Madeira near the bon-vivant, so as to leave the ends of your 
table open and unoccupied, and the central places filled with 
your most distinguished officials! Now, how is all this, and 
more too, to be done — pleasure to reign, confusion to be 
avoided, exact distribution of this cornucopia of blessings to 
be showered on your blissful guests, unless there is certainty. 



1 8 /Y»^<^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^/^^ 

Is not life miserable, because of the uncertainty of all its I 
enjoyments, and are we thus ever to be cheated of even 
momentary happiness ? A thousand times — say yes or no — 
and let the pleasure of this supreme social gratification be 
unimpaired ! 

The length of time preceding the dinner invitation, marks 
the degree of formality which it is expected will characterize 
the arrangements. A card of invitation sent ten days in ad- 
vance, informs us of a state dinner. Eight days of notification 
is the usual time; after that, even four or five days may be 
allowed, as simply inviting to a social dinner, or even two or 
three days, if " en petit comite!' We once had the honor to be 
"one of seven" at such a dinner, where Seward, Stanton and 
a foreign celebrity were entertained by a diplomat — the short 
stay in the city of the guest of the occasion, whom we were 
invited to meet, being the reason mentioned for the hurried 
summons. But the informal dinner is rather the privilege 
of private life, and we are now considering the official etiquette 
of Washington, where State functionaries are expected to 
invite eight days in advance. To allow so much time is cer- 
tainly the highest compliment, since it more surely secures 
the original number selected. The time designated having 
arrived, punctuality is imperative. Dinner rules do not allow 
over fifteen, or at the most twenty minutes of delay, in order 
to await the arrival of any guest, no matter how exalted his 
functions in the State may be. Courtesy to those present 
requires that you give the company assembled their dinner 
before it spoils or grows cold. So pray arrive, if you can, at 
the precise moment at which you are invited. If you reach 
the house the first guest at a dinner, in place of waiting until 
some one else shall appear, rather pride yourself upon your 
superior good breeding for the nonce, and enter at once. 
Ladies attend formal dinners "en grande toilette," and gentle- 
men in the corresponding and conventional dress suit of 
black, with white " choker" — only, messieurs, do not wear 
zvhite gloves; take lavender or an\' delicate tint in preference. 
At times, officers of the army or navy prefer to show their 
respect by wearing uniforms ; and we love this dress so well — 



/>j>i;4 ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^^^ I9 

it appeals so gratefully to our patriotism — that we are always 
glad to see it. Yet senior officers especially, having been "in 
harness," as these old "war-horses" call it, all their lives, are 
not sorry to get out of the constraint, and wear the dress suit 
of black also. However, if the occasion is one of state, this 
will scarcely be permitted. Gloves must be worn upon 
entrance to the drawing-room, but must always be taken off at 
the moment one is seated at the table. A recent innovation, 
which, if the fashionable world could suspect was an economy, 
would probably beat once scouted — but which we like any 
zvay — permits that the gloves shall not be replaced at all, after 
their removal at the table. This, however, may be only one 
of those flitting fashions worn like the glove for the moment, 
and then cast aside. Yet, do not forget that during the serving 
of a dinner, the waiters in attendance alone wear gloves! 
And even the waiter, serves with greater elegance, with the 
thumb of the hand wrapped in a damask napkin. Pre- 
vious to the announcement, that " dinner is served," the 
host informs each gentleman which lady he is expected to 
lead in to dinner, and introduces them to each other, in case 
they happen not to be acquainted. Indeed, we think at a 
dinner of moderate size, the convives should all know each 
other, and should be introduced, if need be, by the host. 
Dinner announced, the host offers his left arm to the lady 
who has the highest official position present, and the hostess 
leaves the drawing-room last, led in by the gentleman of the 
first official distinction present. We once knew of a lawless 
old diplomat, who zvould lead in with the prettiest young girl 
of the company, at his own splendid dinners; but his demor- 
alizing course met that grave reprobation it deserved from all 
virtuous matrons ! As a just punishment for such discreditable 
conduct, he fell a victim finally to an innocent and confiding 
young creature of seventeen, left the country, and took his 
American bride to his foreign home, where he lives doubtless 
a reformed man, if indeed he still survive ! 

Thus our polite host and hostess, take the central seats oppo- 
site to each other, being supported on either side by their most 
distinguished guests. The reason the extreme ends of a table 



I 20 ^j-»t<0 ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. |>>j«5^ 

should be left open, no scats placed there if possible, and at 
j all events never occui)icd by the entertainers, is very obvious; 
since from a central position one can better care for one's 
I guests, and promote conversation and a genial and measured 
degree of hilarity ; while on the other hand, if guests are given 
the extreme ends, it may seem to place them " below the salt." 
As to the suitable service of a table, Washington has many good 
caterers and intelligent waiters, whose attendance can readily 
be procured, in case the home establishment needs to be rein- 
forced — as indeed it generally does, in order to meet the re- 
i quirements of a banquet. So. the chief care of the host and 
! hostess, should be to forget that the dinner is being served, and 
j try to interest their guests. As to the menu, or bill of fare, 
which it is better to put at each plate, for the information of 
the epicurean appetite, we would suggest not to yield impli- 
citly to the caterer, who will be sure to prolong your dinner 
beyond the bounds of good taste. Especially should this be 
the case, where a sudden acquisition of fortune gives hospita- 
ble people the means of entertaining. Such persons, quite 
unaccustomed to judge for themselves of what is really pro- 
per, are readily imposed upon by those whose interest it is to 
provide lavish feasts. A banquet must be sumptuous rather 
in the careful choice and quality, than in the profuse quanti- 
ty of the selected dishes. If you desire to spend money 
without stint when giving dinners, do so rather by the artis- 
tic elaboration of that which you present, than by an endless 
repetition of courses which pall upon the taste. Do not be 
persuaded to exceed ten courses — it is wearisome ; let the 
wines be delicate, and do not mix wines in which tastes con- 
flict. The French custom (and the French are unrivalled in 
all matters of taste) of only presenting each wine once, is ex- 
cellent ; it effectually prevents all inebriating excess, which 
is so utterly disgraceful, if it happen to occur'. 

A very great reform, however, has taken place in the past 
few years with regard to the use of wines. Doubtless the agi- 
tation kept u{> by temperance societies has had something to 
do with this; but much also has been effected by the happy 
introduction of light native wines amongst us, at moderate 



>^3\<^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^j«y> 21 

prices. When the vin-dii-pays becomes as cheap here as it is 
in France and Italy, we shall have effectually swept away the 
intoxicating poisons which as yet are demanded. We recol- 
lect hearing our father, the Hon, S. F. Vinton, say that when 
he came here in 1823, the then youngest member of the House 
and a bachelor, he absolutely dreaded a dinner, on account of 
the social tyranny in the matter of drinking. Old English cus- 
toms then prevailed at the dinner, and the calibre of a man's 
brain was measured at dinner by the capacity of his stomach 
to guzzle bumpers. For a man of exceedingly delicate nerve 
organization, such as our own dear father had, who considered 
a clear head as absolutely needful for a wise legislator, this 
custom was torture. Let us rejoice that this enforced dissipa- 
tion has given way to more Christian ideas. If we could 
only, when we exercise hospitality, learn to set aside such 
lavish luxury as sinful, and share with the poor of the Lord, 
by dividing this excess somewhat with them, we would in 
this way, if only in an imperfect degree, obey the injunction to 
call in from the highways and the by-ways the suffering multi- 
tude. As we write of costly banquets our pen falters, and 
tearful visions of pale faces, and of starving children, rise before 
us. As a Christian woman, and as we hope for mercy hereafter 
for ourselves, we can but implore socfety, to let the crumbs 
that fall from its table, console the Lazarus at its door. A 
winter of unusual hardship for these little children of our 
common Father is anticipated, and we wish some united 
action could be had to avoid waste. But we turn our sad- 
dened eyes from the cold, and chill, and hungry gaze without, 
to the light and warmth, and glow within, and we again ask 
our pleasant hostess not to be afraid of exercising her own 
individual taste, in the matter of adornment of her table. 
An original thought, if it is graceful, pleases the old diner- 
out, who wearies of the monotony of conventional elegance. 
It is too tiresome to see the same hired ornaments day after 
day, and to go through the same unvarying routine. Rather 
use a simple vase of flowers, than a piece of finery hired for 
the occasion. Personal care bestowed, is more flattering 
than the hired glitter. We once said to our hostess, "You 



22 /^>5^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^;,«^ 

have produced a fine effect," when we were shocked by the 
disclaimer, "And yet we took no pains!" Now, it was for 
this very "pains," for the thoughtful care to please, we were 
thanking her! 

Our dinner-talk is over, the hostess rises first, and all pro- 
ceed to the drawing room, where coffee, the demi-tasse, cor- 
1 dials, and an hour later tea, are served. The hostess usually 
I serves the tea herself, but this is not de rigneur, and although 
I ! we love to see a hostess exercise "les pctits snns" — those little 
j acts of hospitable care — yet we confess to being most bent 
j i upon conversation, and to our dislike of anything that inter- 
<^ I rupts the "flow of reason and the feast of soul." The after 
: I dinnjr hour is precious in its genial exercise of intellect, or 
j for music. At such times a gracious play of fancy is stimu- 
I lated, and even the cup of tea should be used "to cheer," 
j and not to interfere. Yet many a gentle dame presides so 
gracefully at the tea-board, and dispenses the grateful beverage 
with such pleasant words, that none may cavil. We have in 
our eye now, one of our most honored matrons, her placid 
face almost hidden by the burnished silver, the hissing tea- 
urn, the snowy bowl of sugar, and as she handles the quaint 
old china, we hear her say: "For twenty-five years have I 
made tea, seated just here, at this board" — ^just twenty-five 
years! and ''here," then, the monarchs of thought, who have 
toiled to bring about the culmination of our nation's grandeur, 
have sipped their Bohca! The "old families" of Washington 
have an interest for us, which none other in the land may 
claim, for cu^-ii" .social life has gone hand in hand with that of 
the nation. But we have not yet bade our hostess adieu, a 
formality we may dispense with at a sohie, but not at a dinner. 
The gentlemen, some of them, are still in the smoking-room. 
AVe feel sorry that they smoke so long, for charming women 
are here, antl it is the common loss. Perhaps, like social cow- 
ards, they retreat from an apprehended captivity. 

We are at liberty to leave after the coffee, but we linger 
still and sip our tea. However, during what is called the 
season, social festivities become so multiplied, that one may 
have several engagements to meet later than the dinner. It 



/^^3^^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL I.IFE IN WASHINGTON, ^f-f^ 23 

is therefore admissible to leave as soon as the coffee is handed. 
Succeeding the dinner, a visit which the French wittily call 
visite-de-digestion must be made within the week. 

Precedence at the dinner table is the grand subject of social 
wrangling in Washington, and the need of a fixed rule is here 
so painfully apparent, that those who have been taught to be 
careful by sad experience, will simply avoid asking those func- 
tionaries to meet each other whose claims may conflict. Yet 
the Vice President, the Chief Justice, the Speaker, the General 
of the Army, the Admiral of the Navy, Foreign Ministers 
Cabinet Ministers and Senators, they and their wives ought to 
be able to meet, and dine in peace together! Let a social 
congress or woman's parliament be convened, composed of 
these ladies, where, after all the arguments and respective 
claims have been duly weighed, some positive rules may be 
agreed upon. It is surprising what natural aristocrats women 
are. In the army and navy, for example, the wives of officers 
adhere more rigidly to designated and relative social rank, 
than the officers do themselves ; nor do our American women 
object to bear foreign titles of distinction. Indeed, in this 
they reason wisely ; for in countries where class distinctions 
exist, these usually imply respectable" lineage. 

We would here remark, that Cabinet officers are addressed 
as " Mr. Secretary." We do not like this, for it designates the 
lowest rather than the highest functions which these officials 
fill. They are in one sense " Secretaries" of the President, ap- 
pointed by the TDxvJCUcivc M^ad and coanriii^d b) tli^ U. S. 
Senate ; but at the same time they are active, if not responsi- 
ble heads of vast departments of the government, with a power, 
patronage and influence, which, if it were permanent, would 
exceed that of many petty potentates of other countries. 
Names become things in history, and we believe if " Mr. Sec- 
retary" were changed to "Mr. Minister," "The Premier," 
and so on, it would help to adjust the matter of social prece- 
dence. 

Senators are addressed as " Mr. Senator," and this is as 
it should be. Members of the House of Representatives 



24 •'Wft ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^3«/^ 

are introduced as the " Honorable Mr." but simply addressed 
in conversation as " Mr.' that is, if a plain Mister can be 
found in that popular body. But we venture to .say, from an 
intimate knowled-^c of our rural districts, that every man of 
them bjars a title at home. He is "Squire," "Judge," 
" Captain," " Colonel," " General," and so through all the 
gamut of the key-board of possible or impossible prefixes ! 
The republic seems to avenge itself for having made the per- 
manency of families unattainable, by piling Pelion upon Ossa, 
during a man's natural life! And now come women who 
claim to be Miss Doctor, and Mrs. Reverend, on their own 
account ! 

With regard to women's titles, it is becoming more and 
more the custom to say " Mrs. Secretary," " Mrs. S.inator," 
" Mrs. General," " Mrs. Admiral," and so on. They do this in 
Europe to be sure, so that it cannot be laughed at as ridiculous. 
Yet, since we are a Republic, we are supposed to stand on the 
basis of personal merit, and distinction won for ourselves. But, 
perhaps, when a woman captures a President or other dignita- 
ry, she has won the right to claim the title too. Some are 
said to "wear the breeches," " rule the roast," be the "better 
half," and " captain of the ship." From our own observation 
at the Capital of this great nation, something more of sub- 
stance than the empty title, is wielded by the women who 
represent the country here. And we should be very sorry to 
see our fair and very able sisters, disturbed in their privileges 
and right womanly prerogatives. How much nicer for example 
to be the wife of a President, than to be Mr. President; for as 
it is, one has a good share of the power, and none of the 
responsibility. But of course we don't mean exactly what we 
say: women often do not. We think, however, that while it 
may be in good taste, to give a lady these titular distinctions, 
held really by their husbands, yet it would be in bad taste to 
use them for one's self. Certainly it is very convenient, when 
introducing ladies, to give such nominal rank as may at once 
clearly and distinctly designate them in the very fact of intro- 
duction. It would often save a long explanation, or an uncer- 
tainty still more disagreeable. 



/^j^.^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^j«y-i 2$ 

Members of the House of Representativ^es and their wives, 
are expected to make the first visit upon all the classes of 
functionaries we have mentioned ; but citizens of Washington, 
and those in private life, owe them in turn the first visit. 

There is a territorial government in this city, but as it is of 
very recent date, we really can form no idea of what its social 
claims may be; but it seems to us, as compared to the Nation- 
al Government, it must stand as a separate creation, and take 
a subordinate position. Perhaps the Governor's office may 
be exceptional to this rule ; yet, inasmuch as governors of ter- 
ritories have never appeared in Washington society to any 
extent, but remained in their far-off homes, we are again at a 
loss. 

If this territorial government continue in existence, those 
who write on this theme ten years hence will be able to judge 
better. Yet, thus far, everything connected with the manage- 
ment of this district, has been subject to so various change, 
that we can only exclaim, ovme pt'lncipiian grave ! 

The citizens of Washington form among themselves, out- 
side of the consideration of official life, a body of society, to 
be regulated by the same rules which dominate other socie- 
ties; yet as we have said before, Washington life is essentially 
official life, and we can scarcely separate the two. 

When you attend a reception, do not omit to leave your 
card with the usher in the hall. In some houses it is the cus- 
tom always to give your name to the usher, who then an- 
nounces you a Jiaiitc voix. Of course, in a society where so 
many strangers meet, and which is so cosmopolitan in its 
nature, it may often be essential to announce in this way. In 
public receptions, it is entirely so; but we must enter a protest 
against the awkward usher, who murders your name out- 
right, cuts you into halves and shows you no quarters. As 
to those foreigners who have a quartering to their names, they 
must be fearful sufferers! Let the usher be well trained to 
announce, or dispense with his services in this respect alto- 
gether, as an unmitigated nuisance. A gentleman of distinc- 
tion once came into our presence with a sigh of relief as we 
greeted him by the well-known cognomen. 



26 'Wfr KTIQUErrE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^j«/^ 

" How good it is," said he, " to hear ni)- name once more. 
I began to be uncertain as to my own identity." 

We laugh, and ask what he means? "Well, simply this: 
I have been attending receptions all the morning, and have 
heard my name so mangled by the ushers, and have found 
myself repeated under so many different titles, that I am 
bewildered." 

Use a plain card, if you do not wish to be supposed fanci- 
ful, and never have it printed. Great men, whose autographs 
are precious, confer a favor certainly by writing the name on 
the card, but it is more convenient and more elegant for 
society in general, to have the name engraved on the card. 
It is also very comfortable for old ladies, who read through 
glasses, if these letters are plain and legible. 

The clergy take a signal position, and we think should 
always be accorded ///^ place of honor when present in society. 
They are the Envoys of a Higher Power, and have the most 
important and sacred mission of all. We were once at a dinner 
where a clergyman was present, and there were Foreign 
Ministers and Cabinet Ministers, Senators and others of 
dignity, when the venerable Doyen of the Corps Diplomatique, 
asked the hostess to assign the place at her side for which he 
had been designated, to the clergyman. And this wise old 
gentleman, who understood so well all matters of social cour- 
tesy, decided on true principles, based upon that Divine law 
which is above human law, and goes beyond it. 

Very aged persons, also, should be treated with peculiar 
respect. God has stamped upon them the majesty of years, 
and we must give them a deferential place. At this moment, 
the nation beholds a touching example of filial respect in the 
family of its Chief Magistrate; and it seems to us a Providen- 
tial spectacle, at a time when insubordination to parents, is a 
growing evil throughout the land. Many years since, a friend 
of ours, the wife of a public man, was led in to dinner by the 
then President. The aged Father of His P2xccllency being 
present, it was made a question, if the President should })re- 
cede his own father? By right as President, yes — by filial 
courtesy as son, no. P^xceptions to ordinary claims of social 



'^>5~t^ ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^/^^ 27 

or even official precedence, may also be allowed by courtesy 
to strangers of distinction who make us passing visits, to 
remarkable worth and merit, such as philanthropists and other 
benefactors of mankind exhibit, or to extraordinary and ac- 
knowledged scientific, artistic or literary excellence. Defer- 
ence to these conditions, illustrate the existence of that ad- 
vanced state of civilization it is our aim to acquire. 

In making visits, always send in, or leave your card. At 
receptions, the usher takes your card. At other times, the 
person called upon not being at home, you turn down the right 
hand upper corner of the pasteboard to indicate that you came 
in person ; and if the visit is intended for the various members 
of a family, you either give several cards or leave one with the 
entire right side folded over. The choice is immaterial. When 
you go away from the city altogether, do not omit to send a 
card upon which P. P. C. is written on one of the lower corners. 
A prompt notice should be taken of the first visit received, and 
when such visit inaugurates an acquaintance, the card or call 
should be at once honored. An intervening period of three days 
marks high-breeding, as it evinces your pleasure at forming the 
acquaintance, so that a return visit, within a day or so, is there- 
fore a delicate compliment. With regard to entertainments, 
other than the dinner, one is at liberty not to send a written 
answer of acceptance ; but in case of non-acceptance, it is cer- 
tainly more polite to send a regret. Of course, if an answer is 
requested (the R. S. V. P. means the same thing), an answer 
should be given accordingly. When one has a small house, it 
is important to know what number of guests may be expected, 
and alv/ays more pleasant for a hostess to be thus assured. In 
making calls, the usual visiting hours are from two until five. 
This portion of the day is particularly set apart for formal calls. 
An evening visit implies some degree of social acquaintance, 
and should never be made as a first call, unless you are invited 
to come unceremoniously. 

Persons in private life, having no official position in Wa.sh- 
ington, are in a measure exempt from the necessity of making 
the official round of visits, or of giving large entertainments ; 



28 



/Nj>^4 ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON, ^-f-f^ 



yet any one who enters into general society here, must of 
course conform to the official rules of precedence and etiquette. 
Private life here has its advantages as well as itsdisachantages. 
It is pleasant to select your own company, even though choice 
extend to but a limited number; and the private citizen is free 
to do this. Washington will certainly become more and 
more a central social point of attraction to persons of wealth 
and refinement who can exercise freedom of selection, and 
who will also add to the already charming variety of society. 
Such persons must surely appreciate our social advantages 
over all other cities of the Union. 

Young people amongst us have never as a common rule been 
allowed to tyrannize over society, as they do in New York 
and in other cities; and the ineffable vulgarity of coteries pre- 
sided over by young ladies, and not dignified by the presence 
of their seniors, has not, we believe, had much if any encour- 
agement here. Probably the presence of so many personages 
of importance in the State, assists to keep the young in their 
proper place. One may here see, what we fear is not so usual 
elsewhere, young ladies remain standing as they should do, 
until the mother or married lady may be seated, and at all 
events an appearance of subordination, which speaks well for 
the future. Our young people are not often inxited to dinners, 
but left to participate in the simpler forms of gaiety. We have 
heard it said, that a woman did not enjoy a dinner-conversa- 
tion, or play a good hand at whist, under thirty ! 

On New- Year's day, ladies are not expected to make visits. 
Gentlemen call to pay the compliments of the season, and 
ladies stay at home to welcome visitors. 

We think our ladies make a mistake, and also fatigue them- 
selves unnecessarily, by receiving standing. This is a great tax 
on the strength, and much more formal than is apt to be agree- 
able. In very large receptions, a lady who receives can scarcely 
be seated; but in the usual morning at home, would not our 
guests remain longer, and be more at ease, if seated in pleas- 
ant circles, rather than left standing in formal groups in the 
middle of the room. Magnetism counts for something the 
world over, and stiff constraint destroys electric currents. 



/-^4 ETIQUETTE OF SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON. ^;,«^ 29 



As to the refreshments proper to provide at a morning 
reception, the choice is quite optional here, as in other of our 
cities. A cup of chocolate is however usually offered, and 
many still preserve the old custom, and add other refreshing 
drinks and many tempting comfits. 

The idea of writing this little pamphlet was first suggested to 
us by a distinguished personage here, who thought something 
of the kind would be well received, and ought to be published. 
The very limited scope we have given ourselves, shows for 
itself in the size of this little essay; for we have not proposed 
to attempt the history of social customs since preadamitic 
periods, nor yet to instruct in all the rules of a manual of good- 
manners, nor to give the rounded polish of a Chesterfield , but 
simply to indicate certain peculiarities of Washington society. 

We have heard some of the subjects we have just hinted at 
commented upon from our first acquaintance with official 
social life here ; and although we have alluded to many little 
matters, which must seem rather puerile and perhaps un- 
worthy of serious attention, yet these are the very questions 
one asks most often upon first arrival in Washington. We do 
not endeavor or presume to instruct, but .rather desire to reca- 
pitulate mooted points, show how troublesome their unsettled 
condition makes them, and ask for^a woman's congress, or 
"kitchen cabinet," to define them in the interest of society. 

So far as we have noted some customs, we have preferred to 
leave as many more unnoted, on the supposition that our 
reader forms a "court that knows somethingf." 




3XXO 



As far back as 1825, the President held a levee every other 
Wednesday evening, and it was customary to make the an- 
nouncement in the National Intelligencer. The hour was at 
that time from 8 to 10 P. M., and it was usual to offer some 
refreshments, which were placed on trays, and carried about 
the rooms by waiters. Gentlemen then appeared in small- 
clothes, which was the accepted full dress of the period ; and 
we remember hearing our father say that so great was the 
precision, that although some gentlemen occasionally wore 
boots, it was considered more proper to go in silk stockings 
and pumps. Of course the usual dress suit of black has long 
since taken the place of this more courtly, though less con- 
venient, style of dress. It was not at first the custom to have 
music — except on New Year's day, when a government band 
discoursed patriotic airs ; but in the time of Mr. Adams, and 
after the East Room was opened in 1828, music and dancing 
enlivened these receptions, and splendid suppers were given. 
So long as such degree of exact form marked these receptions 
as to assure only the presence of well-bred people of decor- 
ous manners, this style of entertainment prevailed; but finally 
such excesses took place in the greater latitude that was af- 
terward allowed, as to make it unadvisable either to have 
dancing or to give suppers, except at invited entertainments — 
but of these, we remember some very memorable and elegant 
receptions that have been given, on special occasions, at the 
Executive Mansion. 

We desire to append the following letter from John Quincy 
Adams, w^ritten when Secretary of State, and addressed as a 
private communication to the Vice-President of the United 



/^J>t^ APPENDIX ^/-f^ 



States. It strikes us that the eminent writer is somewhat 
illogical when he speaks of the "whole affair" as "of very 
little importance," while at the same moment he shows by 
the very subject matter of his letter the " importance " then, 
as now, of adopting some more fixed and exact code. Until 
this is done, it will become more and more difficult to axoid 
misconstructions and un[)leasant relations, in a state of soci- 
ety where the social intercourse cannot be separated from 
official position and its exigencies. Even the public service 
requires this : 

Washington, Dec. 29, 1819. 
The Vice-P resilient of tlie U. S. 

Dear Sir: It has been suggested to me, that some of the mem- 
bers of the Senate, entertaining the opinion that a formal visit in 
person or by card is due from each of the executive departments, 
at the comrnencement of every session of Congress, to every Sena- 
tor upon his arrival at the seat of government, have considered 
the omission on my part to pay such visits, as the withholding 
from them of a proper mark of respect, or even as implying a pre- 
tension to exact such a formality from them. Disclaiming every 
such pretension and every such claim on my part, I take the liber- 
ty of submitting to you the following explanation of the motives 
which have governed my conduct in relation to this subject. 

I have invariably considered the government of the United 
States as a government for the transaction of business, and that 
no ceremonial for the mode or order of interchanging visits 
between the persons belonging to the respective departments in it 
had ever been established. I was myself five years a member of 
the Senate, and at four of the five sessions of Congress which I 
attended, was accompanied at this place by my wife. During that 
time, I never once received a first visit from any one of the heads 
of departments, nor did my wife ever receive a first visit from any 
one of. their ladies, except perhaps once, when she was sick, from 
Mrs. Miulison. We always called upon them soon after our arri- 
val at Washington, not from any opinion that it was an obligation 
of duty, but because we understood and believed it to be usual, 
and because we did not think it improper. We made an excep- 
tion, after the first session, with regard to Mr. Gallatin, who, 
never having returned my first visit, was supposed not to incline 
to that sort of intercourse with us. 



^Sj^ APPENDIX. ^>f-^ 



When I came to reside at this place, two years since, I was un- 
der the impression that the usages, with regard to visiting, were 
as I had known and practised them ten years before — that, as a 
member of the administration, I had no sort of claim to a first 
visit from any member of either house of Congress, but that neither 
had any member of Congress any claim to a first visit from me — 
that the interchange and order of visits was entirely optional on 
both sides, and that no rule of etiquette whatsoever existed, which 
required that either party should pay the first visit, or indeed any 
visit, to the other. 

In the course of the winter of 1817 — 18, two members of the 
Senate, for both of whom I entertained the highest respect, and 
with one of whom I had had the pleasure of sitting several years 
in the Senate, called at my office, and informed me that there was 
a minute of a rule agreed upon, not officially but privately, by 
the members of the Senate of the first Congress, that the Senators 
of the United States paid the first visit to no person except the 
President of the United States. I observed to them, that, as during 
five years' service as a Senator, I had never seen or heard of this 
rule, I could hardly consider it as having been much observed ; 
that I could, however, have no possible objection to the Senators 
prescribing to themselves any rule of visiting which they might 
think proper. But, I asked them if they understood the rule as 
implying an order that other persons should first visit them? They 
answered, if I recollect right, by no means. " And I supposed they 
viewed the whole affair as I did, that is, of very little importance. 
I have, therefore, paid no visits of form to members of the Senate ; 
and, although always happy to receive and return the visits of 
those who pleased to call upon me, and happy to invite to my house 
every member of the Senate, whether he had or had not paid me 
a visit, who would give me the honour of his company, I yet al- 
ways respected the motives of those who declined paying me any 
visit, or even frequenting my house at all. I exacted nothing 
from them, which they might think incompatible with their digni- 
ty. I presumed they would exact nothing from me, not within 
the line of my official duty. I soon learned, that, if I should make 
ifa rule to pay the first visit to every Senator at each session, the 
same compliment would be claimed, if not by all, at least by a 
large proportion of the members of the House of Representatives; 
and I could find no republican principle which would, to my own 
mind, justify me in refusing to the members of one house that 



/y»^<^ APPENDIX, ^i«/^ 



which I should yield as due to the members of another At the 
commencement of each session, I have visited the presiding mem- 
ber of each house, not from a sense of obligation, but of propri- 
ety. I have not felt it my duty to pay first visits to any indivi- 
dual member of either house; nor has it entered my imagination, 
that a first visit was due from any member of either house to 
me. 

If there is a body of men upon earth for whom, more than for 
any other, I ought to cherish every feeling of attachment, super- 
added to every sentiment of reverence, it is tne Senate of the Uni- 
ted States. Its importance and dignity, as one of the branches 
of the legislature, as one of the component parts of the supreme 
executive, and as the tribunal of official honour and virtue, can- 
not be more highly estimated by any man than by me. My father 
had the honor of being its first presiding officer. I had, for five 
years, that of being one of its members ; and through every suc- 
cessive administration of this government, from the establishment 
of the national constitution to this time, I have received frequent 
tokens of its confidence, which can never be obliterated from my 
memory, and claiming all my gratitude. For every individual 
member of the body, I feel all the respect due to his public char- 
acter ; and there is not one member towards whom I entertain a 
sentiment other than that of regard and esteem. If, therefore, 
the principle upon which I have omitted to pay them first visits 
of form should ultimately fail of meeting their .approbation, it 
will be serious cause of regret to me ; but, at all events, I hope 
they will impute it to any other cause than intentional disrepect to 
them. 

I take this occasion of observing that, with my approbation 
and advice, my wife has acted upon the same principle with regard 
to the ladies connected with members of the Senate or House of 
Representatives, who have visited this place during the sessions of 
Congress, that I have pursued in the relation to the members 
themselves. She has paid no first visits to ladies with whom she 
had not the advantage of being acquainted. She has received 
with pleasure, and returned the visits of all ladies who have called 
upon her, whether connected with members of Congress or other- 
wise. She has visited her friends on the usual footing of private 
citizens, without pretension to claim, and without being sensible 
of any obligation to pay, any first visit. She would have paid, 
with much pleasure, this compliment to the ladies of members of 



r^r^ APPENDIX. ^>/^-^ 



Congress, had it been proper, in her opinion, to confine it to them. 
But she was aware that many other ladies, equally strangers to 
her, and, though not immediately allied to members of Congress, 
of character and standing in society equally respectable, occasion- 
ally came to spend some time in the city ; and knowing it to be 
impossible that she should visit them all, she declined the invi- 
dious task of discriminating whom she should and whom she 
should not first visit. If, in observing this rule, she has deviated 
from the practice of some other ladies, in situations similar to her 
own, she has conformed to that which she constantly observed 
when she was herself the wife of a Senator at the seat of govern- 
ment. She then always called upon the ladies of the heads of 
departments when she came to Washington, and always under- 
stood it to be the common practice. She lays no claim, however, 
to the same attention from any other lady; and, having no pre- 
tension to visits of etiquette herself, thinks herself amenable to 
none from others. She has invited to her house, without waiting 
for formal visits, every lady of a member of Congress to whom 
she had not reason to believe such an invitation would be unwel- 
come ; and, while feeling it as a favour from those who have ac- 
cepted her invitations, she has only regretted the more rigorous 
etiquette of those who have declined, inasmuch as it bereft her of 
the happiness which she would have derived from a more success- 
ful cultivation of their acquaintance. S+ie would regret still more 
the error which should, in any instance, attribute her conduct to 
a pretension of any kind on her part, or to a disregard of what is 
due from her to others. 

I have thought this candid explanation of the motives of my 
conduct particularly due to those members of the Senate who, it 
has been intimated to me, have thought there was something ex- 
ceptionable in it. I submit it to your indulgence and to their 
candour, with the sincere and earnest assurance of my perfect 
respect for yourself and them. 

John Quincy Adams. 




'A^'' 



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SOCIAL LIFE IN WASHINGTON, 



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WASHINGTON, B. C. 

J. A. WINEWEROER. 

1873. 



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